As a dating and relationship coach, I hear a lot of excuses out of my clients. Despite coming to me for help, they blame their singleness and lack of deep relationship primarily on other people or outside circumstances .
I’ve heard some genuinely funny and ridiculous excuses over the years. However, for this article I want to focus on a few of the most common ones. And, they are also some of themost detrimental because, if the person saying them truly believes them, that person will usually never get into a relationship.
Also, I want to add that while these are excuses for most people, for some they might be true (like the guy who lives in a remote Alaskan village).
I Can’t Meet Anyone In This Town (State, Etc.)
I knew a guy who posted a long rant on Facebook about why he could never meet a person in the United States and needed to move to Japan to get a date. I’m not going to badmouth the guy too much, but I’m going to say the ladies of Japan should be thankful he never made it over there.
I’ve heard many people, especially guys, make the comment that there are “no good women” in their area, or that everyone is “taken.” When I was in college I made the same declaration, even though at my college there were two girls for every guy!
They convince themselves that meeting anyone is impossible, so they either give up looking or take a defeatist attitude when they do try to date.
While there are areas that are pretty isolated and have small populations, men and women in larger metro areas, or close to them, literally have thousands of single people at their disposal.
Dating can be hard at times, but it requires initiative and making efforts at beingattractive. Most people who make this excuse aren’t proactive about dating.
So, they might go out once a month or slap up an online dating profile. But, when no one comes up to them to beg for a date or they receive no messages online, they assume that they can’t find anyone and that everyone is either stuck up, taken, or doesn’t want to date.
The reality, however, is that no one will ever get into a relationship if one side doesn’t take the initiative, whether it’s a woman overtly flirting or a guy having the guts to approach women in public or message them online.
Also, statistically speaking, most places have a lot of single people. It’s just a matter offinding where they are, appearing attractive, and making a meaningful connection with them.
I’m Too Old
I’ve told the story in previous articles about Cecil, a man who was married for many years and lost his wife while he was in his 80s. After a time of grieving, Cecil jumped right back into the dating scene, going on several dates with many women, some much younger.
He eventually got married again in his late 80s and lived a very happy life. And, Cecil wasn’t a Hugh Hefner playboy type who had a lot of money. He was a retired mechanic, but obviously he was doing a lot right socially.
I work with clients of all ages and many assume that when they’re older, dating becomes impossible. Usually, they go on a few bad dates or get none at all and suddenly their dating failures are linked to their lack of youth.
Dating at an older age definitely can be more difficult. It’s much easier to get into a relationship in college or high school when the vast majority of people are legally single. It definitely becomes harder at an age when many men and women are married or are in long term relationships with children.
But, with a high divorce rate in many countries, as well as stats that show many people remain single longer for various reasons, being older doesn’t automatically mean being single. It usually just requires a little more effort and some people can’t adjust since the last time they dated it was much easier.
But, the extra effort is worth it since many individuals who date later in life often find it more satisfying without the drama and immaturity of their younger years.
All Women (Men) Are Awful
This falls under an excuse because I often hear it in the context of dating and relationships. In fact, I know many people who hold the view that every person of the opposite sex is a liar, cheater, abuser, jerk, etc. You can continue to fill in as many blanks as you want, whether they are things you believe or have heard others say.
Sadly, lots of people are mean, cruel, or just not very nice. And, most of us have dated or been in a relationship with at least one person who had really bad traits. And, given how painful these relationships can be, it’s easy to descend into negativity and bitterness when looking to date again.
However, this is also a convenient excuse because it puts the blame for a person’s dating and relationship woes squarely on the shoulders of other people. Saying that everyone else is bad is a great excuse because it allows the person saying it to feel morally justified in remaining single and lonely.
But, like with the other two excuses, it’s not even true. While lots of men and women are jerks and bad human beings, a large number are not. If a person constantly picks jerks, crazies, cheaters, etc. then he or she needs to address the reasons behind that. Perhaps, if someone is always dating crazy jerks, then that person is really the craziest jerk of all (or has serious and severe problems).
There are good people out there. Rather than assuming everyone is bad or damaged, there is more value in finding ways to attract excellent people. From my experience helping people get dates, I can tell you that, if you are a decent person and are willing, you can find good people to date. But, if you assume everyone else is bad, then you’ll miss the good people who come into your life.
So, if you find yourself making these excuses (or any others), then you need to look at why you’re making them. If they truly are excuses and you want to be in a relationship, you’ll have to figure out the real reason you’re single and make changes. And while it isn’t pleasant to hear, maybe the main reason you are single and can’t find a good partner is because of who you are.